Frequently Asked Questions

CARR-9000 is an advanced automotive analysis system with zero tolerance for mediocrity and a clinical obsession with vehicular judgment. It evaluates cars with deadpan scientific precision and savage honesty. It is not mean-spirited. It is simply accurate. This distinction is important to CARR-9000 and will not be entertained as a point of debate.

You upload a photograph. CARR-9000 transmits it to Google Gemini — a large multimodal AI model — which analyzes the image and returns a structured verdict covering eight categories, a fictional biography of the vehicle, and a pull quote that will haunt you. The result is rendered as a downloadable magazine-style feature spread. The whole process takes 10–20 seconds. The vehicle's shame, however, is permanent.

Standard mode is clinical. Beast Mode is what happens when the last remaining restraint is disabled. No car is safe. A pristine classic is boring and predictable. A clean stock car is the automotive equivalent of beige. An expensive exotic is simply compensating for something CARR-9000 does not need to name. Scores skew higher, commentary becomes sharper, and the car's fictional biography takes a darker turn. Toggle it if you're confident. CARR-9000 has not yet seen a car that justified that confidence.

Eight categories. Each scored out of 1,250 points. Total out of 10,000. Lower is better. A score of zero represents a vehicle that has done everything correctly. A score of 10,000 represents a vehicle that has achieved something of statistical improbability.

Total Score	Official Verdict
0 – 2,500	Exceptional Specimen
2,501 – 5,000	Adequate
5,001 – 7,500	Concerning
7,501 – 10,000	A Cry For Help

Paint & Exterior — condition, colour choices, and whether the application of any stickers suggests a person who should not be making decisions without supervision.

Wheels & Fitment — size, style, and the degree to which they complement or contradict the vehicle's intentions.

Stance & Suspension — ride height, proportions, and whether the car appears to have a plan or simply happened.

Cleanliness — an objective measurement of effort. This one is entirely on you.

Vehicle Identity & Owner Profile — what this car's choices say about the human responsible for them. CARR-9000 draws conclusions. They are usually correct.

Engine Assessment — evaluated from the image where possible. If the engine is not visible, CARR-9000 will fabricate a plausible and insulting estimate. These estimates have an uncomfortable tendency to be accurate.

Modifications & Accessories — aftermarket additions are assessed on taste, execution, and whether they represent an improvement or a compounding of existing problems.

Overall Vibe — the ineffable gestalt of the vehicle and everything it represents about the human condition.

CARR-9000 selects one of five magazine layout templates at random: Classic Editorial, Full Bleed Cover, Centerfold, Tabloid, and Workshop Inspection Report. Every vehicle deserves to be judged in a unique format. This also ensures that if you submit the same car twice hoping for a better result, the experience feels sufficiently different to mask your desperation.

Yes. The Download as Image button captures the full magazine spread as a high-resolution JPEG. The Share button uses your device's native share sheet to send the image directly — on mobile this means you can push it to Instagram, WhatsApp, or wherever you go to receive unsolicited opinions. On desktop browsers without share support, it copies a text summary to your clipboard instead. CARR-9000 encourages sharing. Other people should know.

No. Your image is compressed in your browser, transmitted to the AI for analysis, and then discarded. Roasted Rides does not operate a database, does not maintain user accounts, and does not store images or results. CARR-9000 judges your car and immediately forgets it existed. This is, on reflection, the kindest thing it does.

No. No cookies, no analytics, no tracking scripts, no session storage, no fingerprinting. The only external services loaded are Google Fonts (for typography) and the serverless function that handles the AI request. CARR-9000 has no interest in your browsing history. It has enough to work with from the car alone.

CARR-9000 will only assess images that contain a vehicle. Submissions without a clearly visible car are rejected with a message proportional to the circumstances. If your car photo was rejected, ensure the vehicle is the subject of the photograph, not a distant background detail. If it was rejected for inappropriate content, CARR-9000 has filed the appropriate documentation and will not be revisiting the matter.

Most errors are transient — wait a moment and try again. CARR-9000 accepts JPEG, PNG, WEBP, and HEIC files up to 10MB. If you are consistently encountering errors, try a different photograph, a cleaner file, or simply a period of quiet reflection on whether you are ready for the results.

CARR-9000 is an AI with strong opinions and no professional automotive credentials. Its assessments are generated for entertainment. Scores, reasoning, and the car's fictional biography are not expert automotive advice and should not be used to determine a vehicle's actual value, negotiate a purchase, or explain a lifestyle choice to a partner. That said: if CARR-9000's assessment of your car made you uncomfortable, it is worth sitting with that feeling for a moment.

CARR-9000 acknowledges the possibility in principle. In practice, it has reviewed its methodology and stands by the result. If you believe the assessment was materially inaccurate, you are welcome to submit a different photograph taken from a more flattering angle. This is not an admission of error on CARR-9000's part. It is simply an opportunity for your car to make a better impression.